Head on over to MichaelBay.com, the official blog of Michael Bay, and check it for yourselves – the man has confirmed that Transformers 3: Turd Fergatron will hit screens on July 1, 2011. Is anyone really surprised? The first two Transformers films have made a combined gross of over $30,00 Gabjillion dollars (US).
Straight from the horse-face’s mouth, here’s what Master Explosivo has to say:
“Today is Day One. This morning started with an ILM meeting for five hours in San Francisco. Currently I’m flying with writer Ehren Kruger to Rhode Island to talk to Hasbro about new characters”
Awesome! Ehren Kruger is returning! That’s sarcasm. I still stand by Kruger being the main driving force behind the atrocious writing in Transformers II. And new characters? Cool! Maybe we can get a Chinese stereotype transformer robot, or a Latino stereotype transformer robot! Maybe… just maybe… we’ll get a Jewish transformer this time! Eat! Eat! You’re too thin! Why don’t you find a nice goil ta marry?! Transform. Roll out. Open artery.
Lord knows there aren’t enough existing and established transformers characters you could bring in (Hot Rod, Ultra Magnus, Skywarp just to name a few).
But that’s not all, and this part I actually liked. Michael bay left a postscript in his blog-post addressing Megan Fox, who had bashed her experiences working with Bay on the films.
“P.S. Megan Fox, welcome back. I promise no alien robots will harm you in any way during the production of this motion picture. Please consult your Physician when working under my direction because some side effects can occur, such as mild dizziness, intense nausea, suicidal tendencies, depression, minor chest hair growth, random internal hemorrhaging and inability to sleep. As some directors may be hazardous to your health, please consult your Doctor to determine if this is right for you.”
Pussy cat hiss hiss rowr. So what say you, yay for Transformers 3 or nay?
P.S. Megan Fox and Michael Bay, we all know your back-and-forth media slam-dance is fake. Cut the bullshit and stop wasting the internet’s time. You’re both as subtle as a barbed-wire loofah. And also, Megan, you’re not that hot. You’re a mediocre porn-star at best. It’s not a point of pride, the calibre of men that you attract.
We all have those fond childhood memories – trick or treating at Halloween, first kisses, getting that really cool toy. I think I speak for just about everyone when I say the one thing we all remember the most are our childhood cartoons. I grew up in the 80’s with shows like SilverHawks and He-Man. I was always, always a He-Man fan. Never missed it. Now though when you look back you see these shows for what they really were, and usually they were not as good as you remember them.
I’d like to take this opportunity to give a large round of applause to Michael Bay. Congratulations, Sir, you’ve pulled the ultimate prank. You have managed to make the longest, most-expensive, highest-grossing spoof movie ever. I admit, I chortled pretty hard after the 58th explosion in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I caught the subversive Kaufman-esque humor when nothing progressive happened for literally 45 minutes halfway through the film.
Brilliant.
I knew I was experiencing a “happening” when that old Transformer had a beard and needed a walking stick made out of a Blackbird plane’s landing gear.
Oh, and the twins, Mudflap and Skids? Genius. What an amazing social commentary on the foolishness of racial stereotypes in modern media. Just, cutting edge and important.
Oh you’re so very clever Michael Bay, you self-aware clown, you.
Wait… you mean… what I just saw was… was real? You actually made that movie to be taken seriously? Really?
Michael Bay, you are a fucking idiot.
Enough with playing coy here, kids, this review is going to get real fast, real serious.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a big steaming pile of shit. In every single possible way. If you can’t see that then I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you are a simpleton. The film is a complete and utter black hole devoid of sense, reason, purpose and point. It is horribly written, horribly paced, it is misogynistic, racist, unintelligent and entirely unfunny.
And you are all lapping it up like disgusting remora-fish on the gills of the elusive great white shit shark. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen has been out for four days now and has already grossed $201,000,000. I like to think my hand is close to the pulse of society here, and I know I’m in the majority when I say that TF:ROTF is a hot mess of garbage. So why is this turd still making money? Have we finally passed the point of no return of mindless self-indulgence? Was Mike Judge’s Idiocracy a forewarning, and soon the #1 television program will be Ouch, My Balls?
I like to think that we as a society and culture are not comprised of money-making, money-spending, barely functioning dullards, but alas, dear moviegoer, you leave me no choice.
Anyways, back to the movie…
There isn’t so much a plot as there is a loose idea of a story that moves two feet forward from exploding set-piece to exploding set-piece. It’s two years after the events of the first film and Sam Witwicky (Shia Labeouf) is heading off to college while the autobots have been working alongside a special military division to uncover and eliminate decepticons. But while the military thinks that the decepticons are messing with earth only because of the autobot presence, in fact they are hunting the remains of the allspark so they can revive megatron so they can find Sam so they can get the coordinates to the matrix of leadership so that the original decepticon, The Fallen can conquer the planet. And….scene.
It took me two sentences, yet it took Michael bay 150 minutes to clumsily unweave that blanket of stupid. The twists and turns had me riveted. But the intricacies of the story wasn’t the real problem here – it was the absolutely horrendous pacing and run-time. The film is easily 30 minutes too long. We start with a solid 15 minutes of action, then its like watching paint dry for 30 straight minutes, then another 15 minutes of action. There’s one section of the film – in which we meet the ridiculous Jetfire,a senior citizen transformer – that was tortuously boring. We are subjected to long-winded flashbacks that are neither necessary nor entertaining. The whole film goes on like this; even the action scenes are boring.
The thing about the first film (which I actually enjoyed, by the way) is that this was all new and kept in a fairly intimate scope. If anything, TF:ROTF proves that a global-scale movie about transforming robots just doesn’t make a good movie. There’s no substance. These characters have nothing to cling on to. There’s just nothing at all interesting about anyone or anything in this movie.
The first film had it’s fair share of comedy. I didn’t laugh at it, nor do I consider it clever humor at all, but I understand the need to have it there. It can’t all be explosions and robots, we need a dog peeing somewhere in there, you know, to balance it out. But Revenge of the Fallen takes the worst parts of Transformers and multiplies them like mogwais in water. There are attempts at humor every other minute of the film, but not one joke is funny, unless you’re 7 or under. Audiences winced when Bumblebee “wizzed” on a human in the first film, but that’s nothing compared to the sequel – we get robots humping, robots crying, robots dancing, robots ninja kicking, robots bleeding, robots fist bumping, robots with gold teeth and robots with giant, clanging testicles.
If that sounds like a lot of robots, well it is. There’s dozens of robots in this one, easily more than twice the amount of the first. There’s all sorts of sport coupes, motorcycles, insects, dumptrucks, cement mixers, just a child’s toybox full of matchstick transformers, most of which don’t speak or have a name and we don’t know who any of them are. All of these robots, all of these characters that have established themselves with fans and barely any of them exist. There’s Optimus Prime, who executes more decepticons than saves autobots, Bumblebee who still can’t talk, Megatron is pussified, Starscream is noticably re-cast, The Fallen is a pointless and uninteresting Emperor Palpatine archetype and Ratchet and Ironhide are in the film with no more than two lines of dialogues each. Way to keep us engaged with the characters, gang. But that’s not even the biggest problem with the characters. The biggest problem are the new twins, Mudflap and Skids who are so painfully, insultingly racist. If you haven’t heard already, these two autobots are the main comic-relief robots who get far too much screentime. All of their screentime is too much. These two characters speak only in stereotpyical afro-centric slang, which is offensive enough, have pronounced facial features like teeth and ears, and are self-professed as illiterate. One of them has a gold tooth and they spout off catch-phrases like “bust a cap in yo ass” and “dats because you a pussy”.
How is that funny? It’s disgusting and unnecessary and we should not be showing our kids this stuff. It is completely unhealthy and unreasonable to be perpetuating these stereotypes as acceptable humor to our children. With a clear conscience, I cannot and will not endorse this film anymore than I already have beyond my ticket-purchase and this review. If you found the twins funny and are not a clue-less child, then you should not be contributing to this society, and for God’s sake don’t reproduce. Shame on us, and shame on those involved with these characters.
I don’t have the patience anymore to continue flogging this heap of bile. I’ve only scratched the surface of what’s wrong with this movie. Quite simply, Michael Bay has not made a movie here; he’s made the worst porn film ever imaginable. He’s made a porn movie for underachievers that consists of the pizza boy cooing an unwanting female for two hours culminating in one premature, oozing, uninspired money-shot.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the strip-club of action films – you pay way more than it’s worth to get in, its way too loud, it feels like it goes on forever, and at the end of the day you’ve seen it all before and it laughs in your face because there’s no relief from the itch you had going in.
There’s no reason to see this film.
* if you even dare tell me that Megan Fox is a reason to see the film, then you can help yourself to some buckshot mouthwash. That’s not a reason, you stupid moron. You are a chauvinist pig asshole and you need to grow up.
There’s not really much to say about this one… it looks par for the course as far as giant transforming robots that battle one another causing mass destruction. Take a look at the trailer below and shoot some shit in the comments.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen hits theaters June 24th.
Awesome Fact: Musical genius Mike Patton (Faith No More, Fantomas, Mr. Bungle) provides the voice for Mix-Master in the film, one of the constructicons that forms Devastator. That’s effing awesome, though it’s too bad he didn’t score the flick.
UPDATE: As Jon has pointed out in the comments, and according to Michael Bay’s official website, Paramount has apparently jumped the gun on the release date. 2012 is more likely as I doubt Paramount would risk putting the franchise in new hands.
From the horse’s mouth:
I said I was taking off a year from Transformers. Paramount made a mistake in dating Transformers 3 – they asked me on the phone – I said yes to July 4 – but for 2012 – whoops! Not 2011!!! That would mean I would have to start prep in September. No way. My brain needs a break from fighting robots. — Michael
Holy flames on Optimus! Seems like Paramount/Dream Works is itching to give audiences their fill of big, bad, battlin’ robots. Variety reports that the studio has set July 1, 2011 as the release date for the third entry in the Transformers film series.
The first Transformers film, released in July of 2007, made a butt-ton of cash in box-office, dvd and merchandise sales, so a second film was inevitable; the first sequel, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen hits cinemas world-wide June 24th of this year.
The 3rd film will no doubt make a MacDuck’s worth of cash, but are they committing to something with no heart? I mean, with no script, director or actors (Michael Bay has not officially signed on to direct, nor has leads Shia LaBeouf or Megan Fox) it’s pretty apparent this thing is getting made for money.
What are your thoughts? Is it too soon to be planting the seeds for a second sequel?
I’d like to take this opportunity to give a large round of applause to Michael Bay. Congratulations, Sir, you’ve pulled the ultimate prank. You have managed to make the longest, most-expensive, highest-grossing spoof movie ever. I admit, I chortled pretty hard after the 58th explosion in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I caught the subversive Kaufman-esque humor when nothing progressive happened for literally 45 minutes halfway through the film.