Posted on: August 23rd, 2010 REVIEW: Piranha 3D
When I heard Alexandre Aja was going full-retard and casting his net out on a 3D Piranha remake, he had me hook, line and sinker (*cue trumpet). I’ve been a big fan of Aja since Haute Tension and his remake of The Hills Have Eyes is one of the few superior horror retellings. The thing about Aja is that he gets gore in a way that we haven’t seen in a while, similar to Eli Roth (who coincidentally appears in Pirana 3D). So you would think a hard R-rated monster movie would be heaven for B-movie gore fans.
Well it is and it isn’t.
Piranha 3D is a mindless, dumb blood-bath that doesn’t take itself seriously for one moment. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing, just an acquired thing. The film currently sits at an 81% fresh rating over at Rotten Tomatoes, and the reviews coming in from all over the net seem to echo the same sentiment – the film can be fun. Personally I felt that the film lacked something to make the experience a truly remarkable display of schlock. The ingredients are all there, and there’s no lack of gross out money-shots, but on the whole I felt Aja played it a little too safe and instead the film, clocking in at less than 90 minutes, plays out more like a movie prop demo reel. There’s really nothing we haven’t seen before. I see the film’s intention, but instead of celebrating and reinvigorating the sub-genre, Piranha succumbs to its own pitfalls as a testosterone-fueled facsimile.
The plot is thin, but could the subject matter be any more complex? A small earthquake hits the Amity-esque beach town of Lake Victoria, opening up a cave system hidden beneath the surface and unleashing thousands of prehistoric piranha fish. These aren’t your daddy’s piranhas, apparently; the only difference is that they are faster and more blood-thirsty than the already-terrifying aquatic carnivores. The new visitors couldn’t have come at a more opportune time as the quaint town has become overrun with alcohol-soaked college students on spring break, turning the lake into a veritable stew for the fish. The action starts early and continues through the film with an impressive amount of boobs, butts, body parts and bones being displayed and destroyed.
You go to a movie like this expecting two things, nudity and gore, and the film does deliver albeit with a direct-to-video after-taste. There are a couple of great kills, though I found the best ones didn’t come at the hands – or should I say teeth – of the titular monsters but instead boat propellers or even the boats themselves. In regards to the nippy little fish, by the time we see our third or fourth leg bone the gimmick has lost its edge. By now you’ve no doubt heard about the “penis” scene, and believe me the concept of said scene is far more intriguing than it’s execution. Though there is something to be said about seeing a detached cock in 3D…
Which brings me to the obligatory dismissal of the 3D in the film. Like the vast majority of films with the added effect, the 3D in Piranha is unnecessary and distracting, adding nothing to the film and significantly decreasing the visual quality. The kills are not made better, the nudity is not made better, and the CG piranhas themselves are certainly not enhanced nor do they feel more terrifying. The film is another victim of the post-production addition of 3D, meaning the film was not shot using 3D cameras. The same shifting, lighting and depth issues exist in Piranha as they do in every other film converted in post (though in this case not near as bad as in Clash of the Titans, though still not passable by any stretch).
The cast does a decent job with what they’ve got to work with, and everyone is on board tonally with how characters should work. None of them are really given any time or development, though I’m not entirely sure how they could have. It’s nice seeing Elisabeth Shue in a leading role, and she does a convincing job as the sheriff of Lake Victoria and protective mother. Adam Scott is a welcome addition, but really is he ever not? If anything the film needed more of him, as we’ve seen how funny can be. The rest of the cast is peppered with recognizables in minute roles including Ving Rhames and Jerry O’Connell. There’s also great cameos from Eli Roth, Richard Dreyfuss (in a knock-you-on-the-head-subtle nod and wink to Jaws) and Christopher Lloyd. Oh, and like, fifty porn stars.
If you’re looking for the most superfluous, path-of-least-resistance cheese, then Piranha works. Certainly not worth the ridiculous premium on the $15 3D ticket.
*It’s also slightly ridiculous how a piece of crafted film like Scott Pilgrim can be called misogynistic when Piranha 3D is treated like the kid that doesn’t know better.