[REVIEW] Asylum’s Sherlock Holmes

I’m not an expert. It may have not been a T-Rex. He was kind of small. I mean, small for a T-Rex. There was also Gareth David-Lloyd… running… from the T-Rex. I really don’t have to tell you anymore about this movie.

I’m talking about Asylum’s mockbuster The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes. Truthfully, this is my first mockbuster, and now I feel like I should have a whole mockbuster column, with reviews and ponderings on ‘What else has this actor done? I bet it was some unfortunate Canadian sci-fi venture.’

Back to the beginning. With the tragic death of Ianto Jones, Gareth all but left my life. I was forced to listen to his ‘hardcore blues’ band and watch him grow a moustache. Then I got news that he was making a straight to DVD version of Sherlock Holmes, and he was playing Watson. And then the photos were released and there was a T-Rex. I pre-ordered right then and there.

The story opens with a giant killer squid (or octopus if you want to be technical) taking out an old timey sailing ship. Holmes is asked to investigate and drags Watson along and strings him down the side of a cliff on a rope. I sort of lost the plot here, but then there was a whorehouse and all of a sudden there was a T-Rex in the whorehouse. The T-Rex proceeded to steal a water pump, and then there was the aforementioned Gareth running. Holmes used a rock he finds as a clue, thanks to his mastery of geology, and then there is a robot, and a dragon, and a steampunk hot-air ballon and Big Ben, and if I go any further I will get into spoiler territory.

Okay, so I kept thinking it was going to break into porn at any moment. Actually, I’m sure I’ve seen porn with better production value. The dialogue coming from Holmes was cringe worthy. David-Lloyd seemed to be trying to stifle his adorable Welsh accent in favor of some sort of British accent, and I just really can’t explain his moustache and hair. That being said, Asylum isn’t stupid. This was the first DVD I’ve pre-ordered in my life. It is in the running for my favorite worst movie ever. I laughed my ass off, still not quite sure if it was intended to be funny, and now I am a mockbuster convert.

Did I mention there is a T-Rex?