This Film is Rated ‘S’ for Stupid

Realize it kids, we’re watching the rising sun at the dawn of the dumb.

As a passionate filmophile I’m really terrified right now. I may be young, but I’ve seen a lot of movies during my life and the last couple years have been as disappointing as they have been profound. Profound in the sense that, holy shit, we are being subjected to utter stupidity. Now, I realize that there have been stupid movies since the creation of film and the medium. If you’re going to open the creative channels to any Joe or Jane with a camera and some cash you are bound to get some rat feces in there. I realize we can’t all be Scorceses or Herzogs or Speilbergs, but for God’s sake does every movie that comes out these days have to treat me like I’m a country bumpkin? Sorry, no offence to you country bumpkins out there, we appreciate your patronage. It’s easy enough to say ‘Michael Bay is an idiot’ or ‘Paul W.S. Anderson couldn’t direct drying paint’, but really, are they the one’s to blame? With the exception of Uwe Boll, quite possibly the worst filmmaker alive today – who makes his films through independent financiers and tax breaks – there’s a reason that these people have careers and continue to make this shit.

That reason?

Us. The audience.

The ridiculous amount of people that plunk down their hard-earned cash every Friday to see whatever movie had the most commercials during Dancing With The Stars.

Don’t get me wrong, I love how the medium is starting to thrive again. I love how the movie theater is a part of people’s lives, people’s way of escaping the hum-drum of the weekly grind. That’s not what I’m on about. I truly believe that we as a collective audience, deserve more. I’m just incredibly dumbfounded why we don’t demand it.

Transformer: Revenge of the Fallen is a perfect example. In a mere three weeks, this film has made over $310,000,000 domestically. It is also one of the most poorly reviewed films I’ve seen in a while, and the word of mouth is just atrocious. It truly is one of those films that objectively just fails and treats its audience like they are devoid of any intelligence. So what drives people to go see it? What drove so many people to go to Beverly Hills Chihuahua? These films made so much bank that the old ‘it’s for kids’ argument is moot. Almost as if the seats were lined with cocaine, we line up in hordes to have our lids unscrewed and farted on for over 90 minutes.

I know that films are subjective. I know that opinion is a big factor of determining a film’s quality. I dare you though, dear reader, dear film-goer, to ask yourself why did I like this?

All too often I hear these stupid movies defended or argued as being just entertainment. I go to these movies to turn my brain off and just be entertained. I want to just relax and not have to think. Listen to yourself. You don’t want to think. I understand the idea of escapism, hell I indulge in it more than the average person, but there is something so worrisome about that kind of catharsis that one feels the need to take part in. I for one like to feel involved with what I’m watching, connected to the story being told in front of me. I don’t mean to make any of you feel bad, but I do encourage you as I try to encourage myself to continue asking, why did I like that movie?

C’mon, it’s a popcorn movie or what did you expect, it’s giant fighting robots aren’t reasons for liking films. They are excuses.

Think of it this way: you have a little five year kid. It is dinner time. It wants candy. As a responsible adult, do you feed it candy for dinner? Unless you’re one of the aforementioned country bumpkins, then no. You may give the kid a little candy treat every now and then, but a full meal? No. Because that is unhealthy. My point is that  we are those kids, and the studios are those bad parents. They are giving us candy every single night because we begged and cried and kicked for it. This is the rare occasion where we need to stop being fucking babies, man-up and eat our greens. Guess what? Just like in real life, it’s more healthy! But waaahhh the junk food tastes better!

No. It doesn’t.

There’s been some great films released in the last couple of years to have proved that these blockbuster fun action films can be great without being utterly stupid. Films like The Dark Knight, Iron Man and Star Trek were a total blast and had a really great impact on audiences, critics and the box office dollar. So why is it that we don’t see the stark contrast between one of those and Transformers 2? That’s like taking the Pepsi challenge with one can of soda and one can of beans.

I saw a behind-the-scenes for G-Force the other night, you know, the next CG animal  shit-fest. This time they’ve turned hamsters into covert espionage operatives or something. More than how the kids will love it, I’m terrified of how many parents will enjoy it too. It’s the same reason Beverly Hills Chihuahua succeeded. It makes me weep, it really does. G-Force and Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (no lie, that’s the title) will be release on 4,000 screens while Moon and The Hurt Locker get less than a dozen.

Supply and demand reins supreme over survival of the fittest.

Next time you go to the movies, or flip through the DVD racks really ask yourself, why do I like this? You may not realize it, but what you like – or what you think you like – is what is getting these flicks made.