Posted on: June 28th, 2009 [REVIEW] Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

phjafooqyuo0mo_mI’d like to take this opportunity to give a large round of applause to Michael Bay. Congratulations, Sir, you’ve pulled the ultimate prank. You have managed to make the longest, most-expensive, highest-grossing spoof movie ever. I admit, I chortled pretty hard after the 58th explosion in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I caught the subversive Kaufman-esque humor when nothing progressive happened for literally 45 minutes halfway through the film.

Brilliant.

I knew I was experiencing a “happening” when that old Transformer had a beard and needed a walking stick made out of a Blackbird plane’s landing gear.

Oh, and the twins, Mudflap and Skids? Genius. What an amazing social commentary on the foolishness of racial stereotypes in modern media. Just, cutting edge and important.

Oh you’re so very clever Michael Bay, you self-aware clown, you.

Wait… you mean… what I just saw was… was real? You actually made that movie to be taken seriously? Really?

Michael Bay, you are a fucking idiot.

Enough with playing coy here, kids, this review is going to get real fast, real serious.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a big steaming pile of shit. In every single possible way. If you can’t see that then I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you are a simpleton. The film is a complete and utter black hole devoid of sense, reason, purpose and point. It is horribly written, horribly paced, it is misogynistic, racist, unintelligent and entirely unfunny.

And you are all lapping it up like disgusting remora-fish on the gills of the elusive great white shit shark. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen has been out for four days now and has already grossed $201,000,000. I like to think my hand is close to the pulse of society here, and I know I’m in the majority when I say that TF:ROTF is a hot mess of garbage. So why is this turd still making money? Have we finally passed the point of no return of mindless self-indulgence? Was Mike Judge’s Idiocracy a forewarning, and soon the #1 television program will be Ouch, My Balls?

I like to think that we as a society and culture are not comprised of money-making, money-spending, barely functioning dullards, but alas, dear moviegoer, you leave me no choice.

Anyways, back to the movie…

There isn’t so much a plot as there is a loose idea of a story that moves two feet forward from exploding set-piece to exploding set-piece. It’s two years after the events of the first film and Sam Witwicky (Shia Labeouf) is heading off to college while the autobots have been working alongside a special military division to uncover and eliminate decepticons. But while the military thinks that the decepticons are messing with earth only because of the autobot presence, in fact they are hunting the remains of the allspark so they can revive megatron so they can find Sam so they can get the coordinates to the matrix of leadership so that the original decepticon, The Fallen can conquer the planet. And….scene.

It took me two sentences, yet it took Michael bay 150 minutes to clumsily unweave that blanket of stupid. The twists and turns had me riveted. But the intricacies of the story wasn’t the real problem here – it was the absolutely horrendous pacing and run-time. The film is easily 30 minutes too long. We start with a solid 15 minutes of action, then its like watching paint dry for 30 straight minutes, then another 15 minutes of action. There’s one section of the film – in which we meet the ridiculous Jetfire,a senior citizen transformer – that was tortuously boring. We are subjected to long-winded flashbacks that are neither necessary nor entertaining. The whole film goes on like this; even the action scenes are boring.

The thing about the first film (which I actually enjoyed, by the way) is that this was all new and kept in a fairly intimate scope. If anything, TF:ROTF proves that a global-scale movie about transforming robots just doesn’t make a good movie. There’s no substance. These characters have nothing to cling on to. There’s just nothing at all interesting about anyone or anything in this movie.

The first film had it’s fair share of comedy. I didn’t laugh at it, nor do I consider it clever humor at all, but I understand the need to have it there. It can’t all be explosions and robots, we need a dog peeing somewhere in there, you know, to balance it out. But Revenge of the Fallen takes the worst parts of Transformers and multiplies them like mogwais in water. There are attempts at humor every other minute of the film, but not one joke is funny, unless you’re 7 or under. Audiences winced when Bumblebee “wizzed” on a human in the first film, but that’s nothing compared to the sequel – we get robots humping, robots crying, robots dancing, robots ninja kicking, robots bleeding, robots fist bumping, robots with gold teeth and robots with giant, clanging testicles.

If that sounds like a lot of robots, well it is. There’s dozens of robots in this one, easily more than twice the amount of the first. There’s all sorts of sport coupes, motorcycles, insects, dumptrucks, cement mixers, just a child’s toybox full of matchstick transformers, most of which don’t speak or have a name and we don’t know who any of them are. All of these robots, all of these characters that have established themselves with fans and barely any of them exist. There’s Optimus Prime, who executes more decepticons than saves autobots, Bumblebee who still can’t talk, Megatron is pussified, Starscream is noticably re-cast, The Fallen is a pointless and uninteresting Emperor Palpatine archetype and Ratchet and Ironhide are in the film with no more than two lines of dialogues each. Way to keep us engaged with the characters, gang. But that’s not even the biggest problem with the characters. The biggest problem are the new twins, Mudflap and Skids who are so painfully, insultingly racist. If you haven’t heard already, these two autobots are the main comic-relief robots who get far too much screentime. All of their screentime is too much. These two characters speak only in stereotpyical afro-centric slang, which is offensive enough, have pronounced facial features like teeth and ears, and are self-professed as illiterate. One of them has a gold tooth and they spout off catch-phrases like “bust a cap in yo ass” and “dats because you a pussy”.

How is that funny? It’s disgusting and unnecessary and we should not be showing our kids this stuff. It is completely unhealthy and unreasonable to be perpetuating these stereotypes as acceptable humor to our children. With a clear conscience, I cannot and will not endorse this film anymore than I already have beyond my ticket-purchase and this review. If you found the twins funny and are not a clue-less child, then you should not be contributing to this society, and for God’s sake don’t reproduce. Shame on us, and shame on those involved with these characters.

I don’t have the patience anymore to continue flogging this heap of bile. I’ve only scratched the surface of what’s wrong with this movie. Quite simply, Michael Bay has not made a movie here; he’s made the worst porn film ever imaginable. He’s made a porn movie for underachievers that consists of the pizza boy cooing an unwanting female for two hours culminating in one premature, oozing, uninspired money-shot.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the strip-club of action films – you pay way more than it’s worth to get in, its way too loud, it feels like it goes on forever, and at the end of the day you’ve seen it all before and it laughs in your face because there’s no relief from the itch you had going in.

There’s no reason to see this film.

* if you even dare tell me that Megan Fox is a reason to see the film, then you can help yourself to some buckshot mouthwash. That’s not a reason, you stupid moron. You are a chauvinist pig asshole and you need to grow up.

Filed under: Movies, Pull List, Review, comics

9 Responses to “[REVIEW] Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”

  1. Ben Rankel Says:
    June 28th, 2009 at 10:24 pm

    Thanks for an intelligent review. I had myself maligned by people at a party last night for commenting on all the points you made above and calling the film a steaming pile of shit.

    I’m tired of bullshit excuses for this film. “Megan Fox is hawt”, “what do you expect form a Michael Bay film”, and “I just wasn’t to turn my brain off and watch things explode!” If you tout this movie as enjoyable or a success of cinema, you don’t deserve to breed.

    Unintelligent fucks will defend this film and berate anyone with a mind for finding problems with it. God forbid we demand a little more form fill. Lemming continue to dive over the cliff into the movie though. Heads splitting open on the rocks below, spilling out money. The only critic movie produces pay heed to.

    This movie offends humanity.

  2. Auburn Says:
    June 28th, 2009 at 11:32 pm

    I sure am glad you wrote that review. Mine consisted of, “It fuckin’ sucked.” To be fair, I was still trying to wrap my mind around a robot’s need to hump…

    Unfortunately, as I spoke with an individual today that had seen it a total of 5 times in the past 5 days, I realized that there really is no hope for the future. Be warned: I think if you set eyes upon the movie again, you’ll turn into a pillar of salt. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking that fire and brimstone will reign down upon the creators.

  3. Ben Rankel Says:
    June 29th, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    “God forbid we demand a little more *from film*” – When will comments become editable? Sigh.

  4. GigabyteGuru Says:
    June 29th, 2009 at 7:00 pm

    Great review Ryan. I agree 110% with everything you said. I went into this film already knowing what a stinker it was, but still willing to give it a chance for mere entertainment value. Well guess what, I wasn’t entertained at all. I swear a fucking monkey could produce and direct a better film! The movie basically had too much of everything that is wrong. It is so obviously flawed I am shocked that people are willing to see the film multiple times. Michael Bay has completely and utterly destroyed the franchise. I will NOT buy the DVD and I am definitely not looking forward to a sequel. Michael Bay can go suck on Devastators massive metallic manhood.

  5. Giant Killer Squid » Blog Archive » BOX OFFICE BEAT: The Great Divide Says:
    June 29th, 2009 at 7:10 pm

    [...] Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Regardless of the majority of critical response, including mine, being incredibly negative, Michael Bay’s follow up to his original box office beast made a [...]

  6. Nate Says:
    July 4th, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    I think that Kurtzman and Orci deserve a heap of the blame. The wonder twins were granted golden boy status and along side Bay that formed a triforce of cheese that couldn’t be critiqued during production.

    But it’s a business and they made their money. High fives all around.

  7. Richard Christensen Says:
    July 15th, 2009 at 8:04 am

    I would not call T:ROTF as big a pile of shit as you make it out to be, yeah it has some major flaws and issues, but that aside, I actaully enjoyed the movie, after doing my best to look past the numorous issues I had with it. I won’t bash the film, nor will I bash its director, becuase I firmly believe that if any blame needs to be cast, it should be cast upon the writers (sadly they were the same ones that wrote the superb Star Trek film) and Speilberg, the producer of both. Of course no one thinks to bash Speilberg, becuase he is Spielberg and he can get away with murder if it came down to it, because he is Steven “Fucking” Spielberg. It was he who aquired the rights (via Dreamworks) to Transformers, it was he who sought out Bay to direct it, after numourous ither talents lobbied for the chance. So really if you want to play the blame game, don’t stop at Bay, go right to the source, the writers and producers responsable for this so called Schlock.

    There I have said my peice

  8. Ryan Ferrier Says:
    July 17th, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    Yeahhhhh I’m gonna disagree just a tad with you, Rich. Speilberg had a definite influence on the first film (the whole ‘boy and his car’ concept was his) but for the sequel ol’ Stevie had very little to do with the flick; pretty much a name-drop only because it’s Dreamworks.

    As for Kurtzman and Orci… yes they are lazy writers at times, but they’re still decent. There was another writer on the film, Ehren Krueger who was brought in after KurtzOrci, and that’s the main source for all the shit. All the offencive bits and stupid gags – for the most part that was Bay and Krueger.

    Bay absolutely fucked this up, not the writers or producers. Bay almost didn’t land the gig for the first one, but he did and it made a disgusting amount of cash; for the second one they gave him a stupid amount of control.

    No one bash’s Speilberg because the dude is gold! I don’t know where any hate for Speilberg comes from. Other than Indy IV name one of his flicks in the last 15 years that has genuinely been a poor movie.

    I tells ya, Bay and Krueger have their shitty handprints all over this one.

  9. Richard Christensen Says:
    July 18th, 2009 at 10:03 pm

    This may be the first time, probably not the last, that we diagree, but thats what blogging is all about.

Leave a Reply